everything. and although I may not always be the most self-assured, the most demanding, the most outspoken, I always notice my influence. I feel like we, as women, should stop pretending otherwise.

There are moments when I wish I could ask more directly for my flowers. Moments where I feel I deserve recognition, outside of ego. But, it’s scary, no? As a woman to do so, lest you come across as arrogant or self-important? Where does the very thin line lay?

feeling like you’re never doing enough. Isn’t it funny how it grows the more you do? Kind of like – the more you know, the more you don’t know. the more you do, the more you realize there is so much else that could (and is waiting to be!) done.

Then again, this is coming from someone who is WAY too hard on themselves. Still, it really is the core idea of so much – imposter syndrome, even. They say comparison is the thief of joy, but that, combined with perfectionism? the devil! Yes, there is comfort in knowing I’m not alone. However, the ultimate comfort comes from knowing that the climb, the race, the rush to do it all lies in the ego (the DJ ego!), and constantly giving into that only grossly inflates the ego and therein, the monopolization of DJ culture. Are you following? I hope I’m making sense.

I think, to release yourself from the clutches of perfectionism and comparison, there needs to be an ego death. Right… right… not as easy as it sounds. That could take a lifetime. I guess, what I’m attempting to explain is that there are small ways to remind ourselves every day that the feeling of never doing enough is rooted in the thought that we are everyone’s center of attention, which we know is inherently false. Therefore, we must work to remove ourselves from that inflated ego by understanding that what we do for our communities (especially if you’re any kind of curator, leader, etc.) is oftentimes enough, and that there is no rush to prove anything to anyone otherwise – just the dedication to doing it right, instead of often or best.

It’s funny – I started this post wanting to discuss something else, but as I reflected, I found this made more sense. I see too that the more time I spend on IG, promoting spring and summer events, the feeling intensifies. And because AI is not ensouled, of course, its algorithm is designed to show you Everything That Everyone is Doing™ and make you feel terrible about What You’re Not Doing™. And of course, you’re not supposed to share if you feel a type of way, you should be thankful, and all of your output should be flawless! We have to promote, and build lineups, and buy flights, and write manifestos, and book new talent, and impress our audience (because we need that retention rate!) and and and and. This all serves the ego. Quite frankly, I often see ego fellating itself under the guise of “community devotion.”

It’s interesting – I was being interviewed for a journal article recently, and I realized during my prep that DJ culture is really a very new post-pandemic phenomenon. As in, I don’t remember DJ work and local DJs being so closely followed before 2020. As in, I don’t remember the notion of “I’m going ______ tonight because ____ is playing,” unless it was a really big name DJ! I remember going to Queen, no matter who was playing. I remember going to Britney Night at Roscoe’s. I just remember ~going out~ and hoping it was fun along the way. Now, barring a few outliers, the pervasiveness of DJ culture has made the stakes higher, the ego larger, and the climb up the social ladder all the more arduous and perverse. And this isn’t to remove myself from the conversation – I too am guilty of ego, and the very human omnipresent desire to be seen, recognized, and valued. But… there is an attempt. I feel I’m clawing my way out sometimes. And then, what’s on the other side? a more analog life? It has to be more nuanced than that, you feel?

Allow me to find my train of thought here. I’m getting too caught up in the social media doomsday spectacle. The monster on your back that is feeling like you’re never doing enough derives first from ego. It comes from the subtle assumption: everyone is watching you. Everyone is measuring your output, your success, your momentum. That… the room, the scene, the community, your peers – it’s all oriented around what you’re doing or failing to do. failing to impress.

It is exacerbated by the infinite feed of peers – also DJs, curators, artists, creatives, whatever!- who are chasing the same high of self-satisfaction and comparative joy (at least to a certain extent). That’s why DJ culture can feel so perverse sometimes. The coincidence of course, is that therein lies the comfort – we know the above paragraph isn’t true, because everyone else is caught up inside their own version of that very same illusion.

Again, I’m not removing myself from the equation. I’ve never been one to say I’m above it all – but I do want to shift that pressure. And observe, more intentionally, where that ego might stem from. Attempt to derive more from the promise and intention of it all, rather than metrics, visibility, or even frequency. Sometimes it’s the daily mini ego deaths that really propel us forward.

If a tree falls in a forest, does it create sound? If an attempt to create for a larger audience goes unnoticed, does it still matter? If the post doesn’t receive 100 likes, if you dont sell enough tickets, if the headliner isn’t a big-name act – can it all still mean something? Does the effort lose value? Does the meaning exist somewhere else then?

This was all an attempt to PARSE. and yes! I love em dashes!